Is this really a FAILURE ?

September 10, 2008.

An eye-opener of a date in my life ! A sad day too... with my best friend casually tossing me into the "Jobless" category ..and my husband proving it by actually clearing my education loan with his money . Hmm .... I know its not a good example to say "His" and "my" money in a marriage ... (everything was decided to be "OURS" )... but am not just able to digest the fact that I have no money on my own .

Eight years ago , I was this super-confident girl strutting towards a famous engineering college in Vizag , with dreams of achieving an identity for herself in this big , bad world .... despite being already engaged to get married . Nothing has ever actually stopped me from dreaming of achieving something big . When Dad offered to pay the tuition fees for my B.Tech , the-then Vijaya Shanthi was so confident of her success in her career that she opted for an education loan instead , which she was utterly confident of repaying it as soon as she graduated with flying colors.

Eight years later , Vijaya shanthi is long-lost ! Its ShanthiPrasadh which is known more to the world , thanks to Orkut .Ironically , when the "vijaya" is taken away from my name .... so did the sweet victory I thought to sought after as a student .

Right now , my life is what every girl dreams of . No kidding ! A loving husband , two cute sons and a good fortune . What else would a woman want ? Atleast , thats what mom taught me !! Hmm ...what's been missing is my identity . I am living my life as a wife , a mom , a friend and a daughter , and of course , as a sister too. But , as i question myself today ..( after I failed in repaying my education loan ) I realise that my identity in the whole race of womanhood is practically lost .

Personally speaking , I've always put myself way below everything else in my life . First being my family , and then my friends. Close friends of mine (which are a real few ) know how low self-esteem I really have. I might call it a lack of ego . But I've always maintained the statement that "Life is too short for all this bull-shit !! "( sorry for the lingo...couldnt help it ) .

As I self-analyse my present life , I realise that it's just divided into chunks of time , each for the various men of my life (my husband , my kids, my brother and my friends ) Everyone has been especially sweet to me in their own way , trying to make me just feel better , despite me not being able to actually start a career of my own.

I have always thought that am doing the world's greatest job , being a mom ! Friends of mine have always wowed on my ability to be in touch with them , despite having a crazy schedule with two naughty sons in tow. It was just a gesture from my end to the rest of the world . Or more so , it was one way to maintain my sanity too ...with a gruelling day in and day out with my darling kiddos . In the recent past , after I started writing this blog , I realised that I was indeed doing a wonderful job and have been complaining lesser about my non-existent career. But today has been a low key phase yet again in my life , reminding me of my otherwise life , sans marriage or kids .

Well , it might sounds cliched... .but if I would like life to rewind , I would ask the same life yet again . No complaints to that ! So , why am I actually writing this heavy and gloomy post ? To remind a friend to think if he thought his mom was "jobless" too , while raising him !! The male ego should understand that a female one also actually exists , it just doesn't seem as much as the male version ! And speaking of jobs , a 9-5 job is done by the evening , but a mom is still working until her kids are asleep late in the night . Now thats called a 24 X 7 job !!!

Maybe this "failure" will be a real stepping stone. Otherwise too , am not actually sitting idle... so no more complaints !!

Thanks readers , for putting up with my cloudy day ....
Will come up with a hilarious post pretty soon .